Amore Ex Machina
by Masked Doll Victoria
Summary: Haruhi's plans for the brigade to sponsor a round of speed dating, with Kyon planning the event. Haruhi thinks her plot will attract more patrons if there is romance among Brigade members, thus she assigns Yuki to act as Kyon's girlfriend...
1. Chapter 1

Deus Ex Amore

Kyon/Yuki

Fluff/Romance

It was another day, school had just ended, for most that meant a chance to go home, to relax in the company of family and friends. For myself, however, I meant I would once again be subject to the insane whims and inane commands of the girl known as Haruhi Suzumiya. I trudged my way to the club room, as I did every week day. You know, some times I thought about quiting the club, about leaving them all behind and living a "normal" life. I laughed, that would never happen, Haruhi would never allow it.

I swear, even if I died Haruhi would find a way to raise me as a zombie just to keep me around for her amusement. With a heavy knock, and a even heavier sigh, I once again crossed the threshold between reality and the strange pocket Haruhi lived in. Things were in typical order, Itsuki has brought in some new card game to play, Mikuru was serving tea in her ever so adorable maid's uniform, Yuki was sitting in her usual chair, her face buried in some immense science fiction novel. The scene brought a smile to my face, no matter how strange these people were, they were my friends. I think thats why I keep coming back here everyday. Within a second of my Idyllic thoughts were shattered by the bombastic voice of an angry goddess. Haruhi had just burst in the door, some strange prop in hand, and instantly began plotting our eventual demise.

"BRIGADE! YOUR CHIEF HAS RETURNED!" She shouted at the top of her lungs, I swear if Haruhi's voice went any higher it would shatter reality itself. "Today's meeting will be about the Brigade's obligations as per the student hand book. As you all know, or at least pretend to, we are required to host one social and one fund raising event a semester. Since we've done neither, which I assume is Kyon's fault, I've decided to knock out both in one strike!" Personal attacks aside I did not like where this was going. ,Though,despite my best instincts, I said nothing in protest, allowing Haruhi's insane rambling to continue unabated. "We will be holding a match making event this Saturday in the school auditorium. We'll charge 300 yen a ticket, do a few rounds of random speed dating, everything will work out perfectly!" Perfectly? Haruhi was certinly getting ahead of herself, I bet she didn't even bother to make a basic plan on how to run this thing. "KYON! You and Yuki will be in charge of setting up the event itself, being as I can't trust you alone with Mikuru and Itsuki wouldn't know the first thing about romance!" Wait to go Haruhi, you managed to insult the entire Brigade in one sentence, a new record.... "If you have any questions, keep them to yourselves, I don't wanna here any complaining till this whole thing is over and everyone in the school hails the name of the SOS Brigade!"

With that Haruhi grabbed Mikuru by the neck and, quite against her will, dragged herself and the SOS brigade's unofficial mascot from the room. Itsuki followed suit, leaving myself and Yuki with a sly smile. I swear that bastard is hiding something, but now was not the time for baseless speculation, I had to figure out away to sort out Haruhi's misguided idea, as per usual. Then,before I could even begin thinking, Haruhi poked her head through the club's wide open doorway, a mischievous grin on her face. "Oh Kyon! I forgot, you and Yuki should act like your in love, we'll sell more tickets if the student's think the Brigade's actually capable of hooking people up!" Our chief disappeared back whence she came, leaving a rather awkward aura in her wake. How the heck was supposed to pretend I was dating Yuki? The girl never said more then two words to anyone unless it concerned the very fate of the universe. On top of that, I don't even know if shes truly human. Back in her apartment she said she was a Biological Interface, or something, what does that even mean?! As my mind tried to sort out the implications of dating Nagato, she had moved to my side with the swiftness of a ninja, she was pulling on my jacket, in the manner of a small child asking for attention.

I turned my gaze to the purple haired android and gave a look that told her she had my attention. "Kyon-kun... As it will appease the will of Suzumiya-san, I will act in the role of your "girlfriend" for duration of this event. Does this meet your approval?" Her gaze was so direct, it seemed as if she was staring directly into my soul. "It does, Nagato-san." I replied as I always did when she asked for my approval. Then, without a word, Nagato took hold of my hand, in my head I began to panic, what was she going to try?! She quickly intertwined her fingers with mine, holding a them in place with unnatural strength. "Nagato" I turned to her with an accusing glance "What are you doing?" She replied in her usual monotone explanation.

"I do believe the protocols of "dating" call for us to intertwine our fingers when walking in close proximity." Ah Nagato, you are the only person on Earth who could take something romantic and make it sound like manual labor.

"That's correct Nagato, though we should get going, most clubs are let out by now. I need to get home and do some homework..." We walked to the school gate hand in hand. People were staring and murmuring things as we passed, my reputation for liking weird girls had been sealed, it seemed. Despite the comments and gossip, I was kind of enjoying myself. Nagato was still cute, despite her cold nature, I could kinda get used to this... My good mood was quickly spoiled once we arrived at the school's gate. Nagato refused to loosen her grip on my hand no matter how hard I struggled. "Nagato, let me go! I told you, I have to go home!" Despite my pleading she would not let go. After a minute or so she gave reason to her strange behavior.

"The books I have read on the subject direct that the pairing of human beings referred to as "couples" are supposed to spend the night in bed together." As she spoke those words, all sign of color drained from my face, time it self seemed to stop. How could I explain that to her without a graphic display, not that I even knew much about the subject anyway. Damn my virginity! Before making a decision on the matter, I looked directly into the young alien's eyes. From her stoic expression, it seemed she was quite intent on making this happen. With a heavy sigh and a sense I might very well be doing something wrong, I answered her conjecture. "You are correct Nagato-san, would you like to stay at my house tonight?" Nagato didn't answer, a rare event that spoke volumes more then anything she could have said, instead opting to nod an innocent sign of "yes" with her head. At least she seemed happy, as far as I could tell. Mean while my head swam with the outcomes of what I had just done, none of them ended well and several involved the end of the world as we knew it! But, despite all this, I felt fine, Nagato was a good girl, we'd have fun one way or another. I gave her an affirmative nod and walked the tiny girl to my home. My family would be in for a suprise, that was for sure...


	2. Chapter 2

Amore ex Machina 2/3

Kyon/Yuki

Fluff/Romance

As I stepped through the school gates that afternoon, I knew night had began I would never forget. For better or worse, Yuki was set on us acting as a couple for the time being, I kept repeating the same thing in my head "This is all part of her mission, after all this was Haruhi's command and if she was disobeyed who knows what would happen to the universe! Afterall,The less blue giants in my life the better." I repeated the statement over and over in my head like a Buddist Mantra, the thought that this was all part of a mission, and soon it would all be over and the Brigade would return to searching for things that didn't exist and listening to Haruhi's insane ramblings, you know, things that made sense.

Soon, however, my dreams of normalcy were once again broken by Yuki intertwining her fingers with mine. I didn't know what it was about her grasp that made me panic so much, the force she exerted on my hands was so different then that of Haruhi or even Mikuru, it was forceful but gentle, as if she wanted to keep me in place and never let go. It reminded me of our time in other world, when Yuki was able to show her emotion for once. She was so shy, so gentle, it seemed like she was just waiting for someone to reach out,embrace her, and tell her everything was going to be ok. My mind reeled, was that Yuki's true feelings? Was she really that lonely? It was to much to think about right now, I just wanted to get Yuki to my place and play a board game or something till this was all over, romance was the last thing on my mind, for the record the first thing was Haruhi coming down on me like the fist of an angry god for not living up to whatever insane standard of "hooking up" she had set 5 minutes before the last meeting and the consequences of not meeting it.

My fear of a supposed god aside, ,till tomorrow it was my job was to look over an nearly emotionless robot alien from god knows where, though I think if Haruhi knew she'd have a few theories on Yuki's origin... After a short walk down an all to familiar hill, we finally arrived at my house, it was still early afternoon, far to much time for something to go wrong. Before entering I made an effort to turn to look at my temporary girlfriend, her gaze seemed completely focused on myself, was she worried I was going somewhere without her? Another roll of shake of my head followed, Yuki really was a mystery I don't think I'll ever solve. Though it was still better then if it had to do this with Haruhi, she'd probably be telling me to shut up and stop starring at her by this point. Opening the front door, I loudly announced my arrival then quickly ran upstairs, Yuki in tow. The less explaining I had to do to my parents the better. Upon ariving in my personal sanctuary from the chaos of the outside world, Yuki immediately took to my bed, dangling her delicate legs over the side as if she was angling for fish. I didn't want to ask what she wanted with my bed and was almost afraid to ask, but being the logical being she was, Yuki quickly explained to me in presise, detailed terms her plans.

"The details contained within the dating guide suggest that once a couple has arrived within the sleeping quarters of one of its members, that a act known as "Foreplay" should commence and then end with the human act of reproduction." That was the least romantic, least sexy thing anyone had ever said to me. In fact it was seemed to grate upon my ears like a sex ed lecture run through a text to speech machine. Silently I placed my hand on Yuki's shoulder and looked her directly in the eyes. It was time for a little chat, she needed to know how things worked or this all was going to end badly for everyone involved.

"Yuki, I don't know what you've been reading or that Haruhi has been telling you, but no one does that on a first date. The first one is to get to know one another, to figure out if your compatible, things like that. The other stuff, well that takes awhile. You really have to love a person to do that with them." She nodded in agreement and as she did the warning sirens that had been going off since Haruhi's little announcement finally came to a silent end, If this was a video game I would have just destroyed the end boss and saved the entire world world. I hugged Yuki briefly before slipping back to my postion on the floor. Amazingly, Yuki followed suit, edging herself to my side. Speaking in a oddly eloquent manner Yuki let loose with a turn of phrase that made up for her earlier misstatements. "If that is true, then what do you suggest we do on our "First Date", Kyon?" I had no idea what to say, so I went with the first thing that came to mind... "Have you ever seen Star Wars?" Oh god, I probably sounded like the worlds biggest nerd. Yuki, however, didn't seem to mind, she simply nodded no in response.

"I have not..." She was straight to the point, as always.

"Would you like to watch it then?" I hope by the the heavens above she would say yes!

"Affirmative, Kyon..." Those words were like music to my ears,Yuki obvious nature was a welcome change from Haruhi's unreadable insanity. I patted her on the head before plucking the DVD from among my collection and popping it in to the player. I retook my seat on the floor with Yuki doing the same. I felt... I guess happy is the best word for it, nothing strange was happening, I had a cute girl sitting by me, life was good. The movie passed without incident, aside from Yuki stopping to comment how unrealistic the space scenes were. It was more cute then annoying though, there was something charming about her ridiculously in depth discourses on physics and the universe. As, the credits rolled I slowly turned to look at the clock by my bed, 11:30! Man Einstein was right about pretty girls. But it was time for bed, and a problem once again reared it's ugly head. "So where do you want to sleep, Yuki?" It actually took a moment for her to respond, was she actually thinking about it?

"You may decides the arrangements for tonight's sleeping period."

" You can take my bed, I'll sleep on the floor for the night, it is not a big deal." It was simple and the solution most likely to stop "bad" things from happening.

" As you wish..." Yuki promptly climbed into my bed, fully clothed, and pulled the covers over her head. It made me wonder, did she ever change her clothes? Did she even shower? I was quick to shake those thoughts from my head as the next logical image would land me in a lobster pot of trouble later. I took my place on the floor, staring at the ceiling fan for no particular reason, reminiscing about the days events. Despite being forced into this little date by our Beloved Leader, it was fun hanging out with Yuki. That thought in my head, I began to drift to sleep, in the morning this would all be over. I was relived, being free of Haruhi's plot, but apart of me was sad it had to end. I couldn't tell you why, that was a matter for the morning...


	3. Chapter 3

Amore Ex Machina 3/3

Yuki/Kyon

Fluff/romance

That night, I slept soundly for the first time in ages. The constant threat of Haruhi becoming mildly irritated and destroying the entire universe were distant compared to those concerning the alien-android laying in my bed at the moment. It was nice spending time with a girl who wasn't, to put it nicely, completely insane. I'll admit Haruhi has her good points, but man, that girl could overthrow an entire nation if she put her mind to it. Scary thoughts aside, soon it would be time to make haste for North High and another day under the rule of an angry god with some twisted notions on love. Finally rising as the morning sun came beaming in through my draped window, I felt like a could conquer the world, or at least it's videogame equivalent. With a gentle nudge I attempted to, lure the odd girl lying in my bed back to the world of the living. In response she store directly into my face, a blank expression that could peel a soul from a man's body, if she wasn't so damn cute, anyway. Seeing she was wide awake I offered some words to accompany the poke, "Nagato, it's time to get up and ready for class." She replied with a complaint nod and arose from the bed still clad in her school uniform. Taking to her feet, she mad an instant beeline for my door at a speed that suggested that was something she had done before. Avoiding my usual sigh, I tried to find reason to keep her still till I was ready. "I didn't mean right now, do you expect me to go out in my pajamas?" Nagato offered her usual stoic response, gently taking a seat on my bed once again. Good, I thought, that should buy me just enough time to get ready. Quickly I raced through my morning routine, shower, change clothes, brush teeth, I managed to squeese it all into a span of 15 minutes, a new record I do belive, in order to avoid leaving Nagato by herself for long. Bad thing tend to happen when she is left to wander on her own, and my parents certainly didn't need to know I had a girl sleep over either.

In any case, soon after we both dashed out of the house soon after, holding hand as per Nagato's wishes. The scene coming home the previous night seemed to once again play it out against the set of the rising sun, people starred, gossiped and shouted as they did before. I still wonder what was so odd about me and Nagato as couple, I mean I'm a fairly normal looking guy and other then her odd hair color Nagato looks like a completely normal girl. I imagine, somehow, this is Haruhi's fault, it always was. Starring aside, the rest of the day went by uneventfully, Nagato and I didn't have any classes together, a fact that for the first time thanked the gods for. After school it was time for the usual club activity, meeting in the club room and doing nothing in particular until Haruhi came up with something insane to force upon us. Today, however things for a bit off, the door was locked and I couldn't hear any loud noises from inside the room either. In confusion I turned to find Nagato starring at a note that had been tapped to a nearby wall. In short it read "Attention all SOS Brigade members! Today's meeting will be held in the gym to set up our match making event!" The note was signed by Haruhi in a sweeping manner that would put the signature on the Deceleration of Independence to shame.

With no further words, I followed Nagato to the gym, enduring the mix of gawking and cat calls that had been the norm for the last day or so. Seriously, you'd think no one in this school had anything better then to annoy me. Upon reaching the enormous gymnasium, the familiar yelling that was absent from the club room made its return in a grand fashion, upon entering the structure was instantly bombarded by Haruhi speaking via the gym's PA system. I will save you the excruciating details of the audio assault, but her voice at that volume was akin to having the sound of nails on a chalkboard mixed with that of someone chewing on tinfoil, then blasted at a volume that could be heard in space. However, despite the volume, Haruhi's message came across loud and clear. "Your late, you slackers! Next time we go out, you two are responsible for buying everyone lunch! Now down to business." She lept from the state, microphone still in hand, and strode to mine and Nagato's postion, an wry smile on her face. My face again found home in my palm, nothing good ever came of that smile. "Well, you guys' little fake romance seemed pique interest in our little event, It's all anyone's talking about! You two are practically famous! But don't worry, you won't have to put up this charade much longer, I moved the speed dating up to this afternoon!" Of course Haruhi never consulted us about any of us, but at least people would stop starring. As I breathed a sigh of relief about the whole matter coming to an end, I noticed the opposite reaction in the purple haired android beside me. Her expression seemed blank, but her eyes told another story, she was clearly upset about the matter. Was she sad about not seeing me outside of the club or... Words escaped me a single thought wormed it's way into my brain again, the about actually dating Nagato beyond Haruhi's little plot... I pounded my head in frustration in an attempt to beat the thought out of my head, absolutely nothing good would happen from pursing a romance with Nagato. I eventually resigned the thought to the dark part of my brain where other discarded thoughty lie, most of them involving girls I know that aren't Haruhi, and resigned my self to enjoying what I had for the next few hours. I took the lead and laced my fingers with Nagato's of my own will for the first time, an action that seemed to restore a bit of hope to the poor android's face. Haruhi instantly took notice of my sleight of hand, offering unwanted commentary and she usually did. "Good! If you can keep up that level of contact till the speed dating is over and we should be rolling in cash!" Oh Haruhi, why can't you be excited about something that doesn't involve throwing me into the pit...

In an hour or so the the event came to pass, Haruhi took a seat on an elevated chair, barking out orders like a lifeguard mixed with some kind of dictator, Koizumi acted as host, spouting schmaltzy commentary between "dates", and Mikuru once again donned her all to alluring maid-outfit to serve our "guests" cheap tea and crackers. What of myself and Nagato? Well we were placed at a table center stage, posed as examples of the great match making potential of the SOS Brigade. I felt like King Kong on the stage in New York, paraded out as some kind of performing animal for the amusement of a insane promoter... You know, I'll drop that metaphor for now, but the event had a small turn out, about 20 people or so, more then enough to satisfy our chief , at least for the time being. Then as the nights climax, another act was required of myself and Nagato. Haruhi, from her perch on high, again yelled to the crowd announced the the night's finally was at hand. "Ladies and gentlemen! I hope you all found that special someone tonight! I know our own Kyon has! Kyon, give your girl a nice big kiss on the lips, we'll all be waiting!" She had gone to far this time... But, there was nothing I could do. I couldn't ruin this for Haruhi and risk another grey space opening somewhere. I did what anyone in my postion would and leaned over the table and towards my alleged date and did my best impression at a romantic kiss, but instead manged to make a fool of myself, again, falling over the table face first into Yuki.

A kiss did come of the incident, though it was ugly and resulted in uproarious laughter rather then coos of "awwww". I had never been so embarrassed in my life, with a crimson wave rolling over my face, I imagine this was somehow Haruhi's fult, I could imagine her wanting to give the crowd a show to go with their stale food or something to that awful effect. I quickly turned my head from the roaring crowd to my partner sitting on the other side of the table. I hoped with my whole heart, I didn't hurt or embarrass her with the mess I caused. I was relived at the truth of what I saw, she almost seemed to be blushing. Though I was probably projecting more then a bit, at least she wasn't sad or angry. Soon after the gym emptied, leaving the Brigade alone upon the stage without fanfare. Haruhi seemed happy with herself save for a small gripe with my little performance. "Did you literally have to go head over heels for Yuki? I mean it's not like you guys are actually a couple or anything, right?" She looked to me for a response and would only accept a very specific answer. "

" Of course not, Haruhi, I was just going along with your plan." That wasn't the first time I lied to Haruhi, but in the end, it turned out to be the most important. Haruhi quickly went back to celebrating the fact that one of her plans for once, while I took the moment of being out of god's ever watching eye to plant a small kiss on Nagato's cheek. I swear, that for hours after that little, kiss she was actually smiling. But then again, I could just be projecting again...


End file.
